11 Aug You Cant Tell by Looking, So Ask: Depression, PPD, PTSD, Breast Cancer
I posted this picture one year ago with the following words:
August 8, 2019, keynote speaker at AZ Perinatal Trust conference, Day 15 post-double mastectomy. "You Can't Tell By Looking."
"August 8, 2019, Post-#DoubleMastectomy Day 15: You’ll think I’m crazy...& I’ll think you’re right. ...'
"Yes. This is a picture of me, today. I dressed up & left the house for the first time in weeks to speak at a conference across town. I agreed, after surgery, to still do it, figuring it was in town and I’d only be speaking for 20 min & hoping I would be strong enough by today.'
"I woke feeling ultra sore. These #expanders are kinda the worst. Like rocks in my chest, especially after the Dr started the expansion process yesterday. Heavy. Aching. Miserable. So, basically I exchanged the drains for this. 
'
"I also woke feeling heavy, emotionally. Lots going on here w my kids, in addition to processing everything & grieving, & it felt rough. I turned to Downton Abbey & an attempted nap.'
"When the time came to put some slides together & head to the #azperinataltrustconference, I rallied. Dosed my pain w ibuprofen, curled my hair, put on makeup and the only dress that fit not-too-snugly and went to speak to a room full of nurses & doctors about trauma-informed care for #perinatalmooddisorders.'
"My message? 'You can’t tell by looking.' I was the example.'
"I told them that 3 weeks from yesterday I was diagnosed w #breastcancer, that 2 weeks ago I had a #doublemastectomy, that only yesterday I finally got out my drains and started the expanders, that I was living in the midst of #trauma, but you’d never know...unless you asked.'
2 months after Shannon died, 4 months after Rob died, posing for our Christmas picture. You can't tell by looking how traumatized we all were just trying to grieve and make this new family work.
"I shared my last #postpartum experience, the picture of our happy family only one month after Shannon died, 3 months after Rob died, how we smiled & you’d never know...unless you asked.'
"To all of you, I say, 'Ask.' Look in their eyes and ask how they’re REALLY doing. Listen. Be willing to hear. Be a safe space. And ASK for help & support when you need it too.'
"I’m beat. Back in bed. But grateful I shared my brief message today for a cause dear to my heart. 'You can’t tell by looking,' so ASK. "
Day 15 post-double mastectomy, day 22 post-breast cancer diagnosis, speaking to a crowded room. You can't tell by looking. So ask.
August 8, 2020, 6 weeks Post-9th #BreastCancerSurgery
My message is still the same. "You can't tell by looking...."
You can't tell by looking at me that I'm completely beat still. You can't tell that I've been through a full year of pure hell, far more complications and surgeries and dismantling through chemo & infections than I could ever have dreamed has left me lost, traumatized, and honestly, depressed.
Instagram & FB Post a few days ago: You can't tell by looking that this was my first haircut in over 11 months and only because I saved my hair through the intense ordeal of cold-capping (otherwise, I would have been bald). This was one of my "good" days, & I look "well," but just getting a haircut wiped me out.
You can't tell by looking at my latest Instagram & Facebook pics that even though I have a couple "good" days each week now (a distinct improvement from the past 12 months), I am still struggling every day. I'm still struggling with illness, odd symptoms, and exhaustion from chemo (my last of which was 8 months ago), leftover pain, discomfort, & trouble sleeping (still can't sleep on my side like I used to) from 7 breast reconstruction surgeries.
I'm still struggling emotionally, or rather, I'm just beginning to truly struggle through the emotional healing process. Although I began psychotherapy right after my double mastectomy over a year ago, we've only been able to help me "survive" this past year. Now, we are beginning to deal with the trauma-after-trauma my body, mind, soul has faced. It's overwhelming.
You can't tell that this was my first family vacation in over a year, that I'm only 4 weeks post-9th-surgery. It's not fake. I was happy. AND struggling.
You can't tell by looking, because I'm tired of being "sick and tired," and I feel like the world around me is tired of it, too. Everyone wants me to "be better," and I'm trying. But it's slow and painful, and I need to continue to be honest about where I am.
And where I am is struggling through the searching questions: "What just happened this past year?" "What does all this mean about me?" "Who am I now?" "What is my 'new normal' supposed to look/be like?" "How long will I still feel so disrupted, so unwell, so worn down?" "How long does this kind of healing--healing from CANCER and the mountain of treatment I've just endured--really take?" "How do I give myself GRACE through it all?"
Final chemo, Dec 16, 2019. You can't even tell I just did chemo by looking.
I'm not the only one.
So many are struggling right now, as a result of COVID. Living in a pandemic is ROUGH. It's ultra rough on cancer patients, who've had to endure chemotherapy, appointments, surgeries, and treatment without loved ones, without a 'team' to support them through (an essential element of dealing with cancer, in my book). They've had to face surgeries and procedures being cancelled because they're considered "elective" (as if ANY cancer-related surgery is something we "elect!").
But we're not the only ones struggling.
Mothers and parents are struggling as children are home full-time, with new roles as teacher through homeschooling or online school.
New parents are struggling through the isolation of having a new baby without the usual physical support of family and friends.
Kids are struggling without playdates, in-person school interaction, and cancelled everything, it seems.
People are struggling from month after month of quarantine, fear, and isolation.
I understand.
If anyone does, I do, having been "isolated," literally in bed almost the entirety of the past almost 13 months. COVID has taught the world what it's like to live and deal with cancer, (as you can read in my upcoming post).
And I'm sorry for it. It's not something the world should have to ever know or experience.
We Can't Tell By Looking...
You can't tell by looking, and neither can I.
We're all just trying to hold it together, to put on a brave face, to overcome the fear and frustration that are seeking to keep us down and depressed.
We're all just trying to deal with the hand we are dealt--to see the daily miracles and blessings in the midst of the challenges, to reach out for help (I hope), to let help in (I pray), and to work on growing through these experiences instead of just going through them.
At least, that's what I'm seeking to do.
But we CAN'T tell from what we see. So?
We MUST ASK.
Ask. Ask, "How are you REALLY feeling today?"
Ask, "On a scale of 1-10, how would you say you're doing physically? Mentally/emotionally? Spiritually? Socially?"
Ask, "What are your highs and lows?" (This is our family dinner conversation, and it's a great question to see both the positives AND to acknowledge the struggles.)
Ask.