When the holidays don’t feel like holidays: dealing with Grief, trauma, Depression, illness…

It's 4 am and my brain's been awake since I rolled over at 2. Despite completing my last round of chemotherapy yesterday, the exhausting side effects that are already beginning, and the sleeping medicine my oncologist finally prescribed, it seems I'm destined not to sleep.

Why? Trauma. Loss. Illness. Emotional duress.

What makes it especially challenging is it's one week before Christmas, the time when we're "supposed" to feel "the Christmas spirit," to serve gladly, reach out in love to others, and feel all the "good" things--joy, light, and especially, peace.

But if there's one thing I've learned after too many years of loss, grief, trauma, depression, anxiety, injury, and now illness, it's that we're never guaranteed a "happy holiday." All we're guaranteed is that life keeps going despite the tragedy, heartache, and stress. During the holidays, it can be a hard truth to swallow.

I know I'm not the only one who's been struggling this holiday season. 

Perhaps, it's because I specialize in grief, loss, trauma, and mental health, I just happen to hear more about others' hardships; perhaps, it's because I'm in the middle of my own struggles that I see and feel others' struggles so deeply; or perhaps it's something in the water or the stars, but whatever it is, I know many of you out there are suffering. 

I know so many who, like me, have received life-altering diagnoses and been walking through the great refiner's fire.

I know you've seen close friends and family struggle with illness, loss, and death.

I know too many of you have lost loved ones--many suddenly and unexpectedly, and traumatically.

I know some have experienced the trauma of suicide.

And too many have been suffering in silence with intense depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses.

We've faced all of these in our home over the years, and many in just the past few months.

And I know that the holidays are a particularly difficult time when you've experienced any of these or any other heartache, loss, or pain.

It can feel like, "I wish I could just skip the holidays."

It can feel like, "Should I celebrate at all?"

It can feel like, "What's the point?"

I hear you. I see you. I feel your pain and struggle.

More than you know, because I've been there. Too many times. I AM there, as my body breaks down one more exhausting, dismantling time, walking through the fiery furnace that is chemo.

I just want to "feel better" for the holidays. You likely just wish you could do the same.

But here's the deal: We can't force where we are. 

Believe me, I've tried.

My first Christmas as a mom of 6, just two months after my sister died of an overdose of Tylenol and alcohol, later ruled a suicide, just 4 months after her husband, my brother-in-law and dear friend died of melanoma, just 7 weeks after we inherited their two young sons, and just one month after giving birth to what would become our sixth (and not fourth) child, I pushed the loss and grief and trauma aside.

I was in shock, but didn't yet know it. I attempted to create the "perfect" holiday, complete with a smiling Christmas card, the perfect gifts for all, and visits to not one but all 3 of our "families," including mine, my husband's, and my former brother-in-laws, just one month postpartum, with 6 kids in tow. It was ridiculous. It was exhausting. It did me in.

I learned there's no such thing as a "perfect holiday." And it's impossible to attempt it. It only leads to more stress and pain.

No, we can't force grieving, or feeling, or healing. 

We may try, but it really doesn't work that way.

Grief, trauma, heartbreak, depression, anxiety, postpartum--whatever it is you are going through, you must GO through it. As I so often say, "You may be OVER it, but you're not yet THROUGH."

It takes time, and unfortunately, that may mean taking time during the holidays to continue your healing process. It may mean a different holiday season for you. And I'm here to tell you, "That's OK." 

(Watch, "When Life Keeps Happening: Do These 3 Things")

So, what can we do when the holidays just don't feel like the holidays?

1. Be where you are and FEEL.

It's OK to feel what you feel. In fact, the more you allow space to "Freely Experience Emotions with Love," (This is How We Grow) the better you will deal and the physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and even social aspects of what you're going through. 

And even better? FEEL as a family. The family that FEELs together HEALS together. Talk, cry, mourn, and then, share the memories and good times, too.

Some Tips:

• You might set aside just 15-20 minutes a day to FEEL. Set a reminder, and then set a timer.
• Journal, talk with a trusted friend or support person, or just sit and tune in to whatever emotions come up, let them be, and lovingly sit with them, reminding yourself you may not like what you feel, you may even hate it, BUT you CAN handle it, you ARE handling it.
• Seek counseling or professional help. Having a trusted psychologist, therapist, faith leader, or coach can make all the difference, especially in dealing with significant mental or physical health challenges, trauma, and grief. 
• This article might be of help: "FEEL: How to Deal with Powerful Emotions." Then, watch these two 3 Minute Therapy videos, "Dealing with Powerful Emotions: Primary vs. Secondary Emotions" and "How to Deal with Powerful Emotions: FEEl."

2. Let go of all that can be let go.

I know this one's tough, especially when we have traditions or expectations of what the holidays "need" to be, but as we let go of all the unnecessary expectations, we let go of greater frustration, stress, and pressure to be anywhere other than where we are.

Some tips:

• Ask your children/family members, "What is the ONE thing that matters most to you during the holidays?" Then, listen, do those "one things," and let the rest go. I did this several years during times of trauma and grief and was surprised by all my children really didn't care about. They just wanted a few decorations, the sibling gift exchange, and time with family. THAT I could do. The rest, I let go.
• Remember: "All frustration comes from expectations," or more accurately, "All frustration comes from unrealistic and unmet expectations." Be honest about your own expectations. Are they realistic? Is it possible to meet them without causing further pain, distress, or suffering? If not, identify the unhealthy expectations and let them go. 
• This article might help: "4 Simple Steps for Lowering Expectations & Obliterating Frustration"
• Watch my 30Seconds video on "How to Let Go"

3. Let the "holidays" be whatever they need to be this year.

If you need the holidays to be that time of family and togetherness, let it be that this year. 

If you need it to be a time of quiet reflection and mourning, let it be.

If you need a mix of time with family and friends and alone time to process, FEEL, deal, and heal, let it be so.

The important thing is to do it YOUR way, the way that will bring the most peace to you and your family and DON't FORCE IT to be anything other than what you need.

Some tips:

• Set aside time before Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, New Year's, to reflect on where you really are and what you really need. Write your honest thoughts in your journal or on your phone, and then, plan the holidays accordingly.
• Remember, it's ok, and even healthy to just say "no." A loving "no" is really saying "yes" to something better.
• Enlist the help of others. If you need some alone time but your kids need some holiday cheer, let family, neighbors, or friends step in and help. I've asked friends to take my kids on the "Polar Express" on years when I couldn't handle it. This year, I let my husband and youngest daughter pick out our Christmas tree and decorate it together. It may look like the "Charlie Brown" Christmas tree (because he got such a great deal!), but it's handled, they love it, and I didn't have to do it. That's what really matters. 

4. Most importantly, remember that dealing with grief, trauma, loss, depression, postpartum, parenting struggles, divorce or separation, illness, etc, not only takes TIME, it takes as much time as it takes.

And the only way to truly heal is to let yourself go THROUGH. 

There's unfortunately no shortcut. There's no "easy way." There's no, "I dealt with it for a few days, or a week, so I 'should' be good now." No.

There's only dealing with whatever comes, being as patient as possible with yourself, and loving yourself through. 

Some tips:

• Practice basic self-care. Focus on the simple things: sleep, nutrition, a little exercise and movement. Rest. Get up and do something as needed. Then, rest again. These things might be of help...

• Love yourself through. This can take many forms: Seeking professional help (you may like to join my GROW Group Coaching Program); sitting with your emotions, even when it's difficult; giving yourself some time "off" of all the heaviness, knowing you'll come back to it when you're ready; taking small breaks or giving yourself alone time each day; spending time with those people who feed your soul and are truly there for you; and the list goes on.
• Practice self-compassion. This is something I've been working on, and it's been immensely helpful.
  • Write a letter to yourself of all the things you wish others might say to you, or of the things your older self might say to the "child" self in need. 
  • Say the things you need to hear out loud. Simple things like, " I love you," "I know this is so hard right now," and "I'm here and accept you, no matter what you can or can't give right now. You are valuable and of great worth just as you are, and I have great love and compassion for you." It sounds simple, and it is. But as I always quote from one of my favorite scriptures, "behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise." (The Book of Mormon, Another Testament of Jesus Christ, Alma 37:6)

Bottom LIne:

I see you. I feel your pain. I am so very sorry for all you're struggling with, especially during a time of year when you just wish you could feel whole again. 

And, I've been there. Too many times to count. I'm there again, and I'm using all these suggestions myself, too, because they work.

And time does heal all wounds, but not time alone.

Time + Work + Grace heals all wounds.

The time will come as you give it to yourself. The work will be some of the hardest you'll do, but it's one of the best things you can give yourself. And grace? Well, that makes up the difference. It forgives and empowers, and that's what we need most during the hardest of times.