11 May To All Who Mother, on Mother’s Day
Mother’s Day is a day of mixed emotions. For some, it’s a day to feel appreciated and celebrated. For others, it’s a day to feel guilt and self-doubt. And for others, it’s a day to feel sadness and grief, remembering losses and pains from years gone by.
The other day, in a FB Live episode, I spoke of these mixed emotions, about how hard Mother’s Day can be, about the guilt and how to overcome it, and about what we moms want most: to not only know but to FEEL that we are appreciated. We had some excellent interactions with moms who could relate. But one woman commented and asked, “What about those of us who could never be mothers?”
I appreciated her question, because it’s always on my mind. I know something of the pain of those who could not be mothers, of those who have struggled with infertility, or who have lost a child, or several. And I include these beautiful women in my tributes and work for moms, because as women, we mother. We are all mothers.
Are we not ALL Mothers?
As a psychologist, I specialize in women’s emotional health across the lifespan. I therefore get to work intimately with women of all ages and stages.
Over the years, I have witnessed what I see as a “soul-stretching love” that defines mothers of all kinds in all kinds of situations:
- mothers holding vigil at hospital bedsides
- mothers carrying on despite grief or mental illness
- mothers on field trips
- mothers finding their way alone when a spouse decides to leave
- mothers teaching preschool
- mothers fighting for special needs
- mothers encouraging, motivating, and cheering children on
- mothers doing crafts, losing sleep, and cleaning up vomit
- mothers rocking babies
- mothers holding their tongues with teens
- mothers standing by adult children who’ve gone astray
- mothers raising grandchildren
- mothers who have lost mothers
- mothers who foster children
- mothers who have buried children
- mothers who were never able to have children
As women, doesn’t each of us have a distinct call to nurture and love? Are we not all mothers?
I can say with a surety, “Yes!”; it is part of our chemical makeup. Research shows that even as infants, female brains are wired for empathy, hearing others, being heard, observing others, and reading emotion. Female babies seem born to study faces, and by 3 months old a baby girl’s skills in eye contact and gazing increase by over 400% while baby boys skills do not increase at all.
All of these details mean that the female brain is a machine that is built for connection. As aunts, sisters, friends, teachers, mothers—as women we are called to connect, we are called to love. And if mother equals love, then by the transitive property our call to love means that we are all mothers.
I believe this, wholeheartedly. I believe this, because I see women “mothering” everyday, and many of these women have never borne or adopted children. I see teachers and administrators mother my own children. I see counselors, doctors, and home aides mother other mothers and children. I see women mother strangers, care for loved ones, and nurture all they meet.
Yes, we are all mothers.
This Mother’s Day, Give Yourself a Gift…
This mother’s day I ask women everywhere to give yourself a gift: the gift of self-love.
Use your female brain to connect with the ones you have loved, nurtured, mothered, and receive their love in return.
Let go of anything that stands in the way of your divine mothering call as a woman: Let go of guilt. Let go of blame. Let go of resentment. Let go of loss. Let go of the past. Let go of the future. Let go of the belief that you have to have a child to be a mother. Let go, and let love in.
Freely express your love for the women who have mothered you. Freely soak up all the love that comes your way. Freely accept where you are and who you are called to become.
Then become the mother you were called to be, in whatever way you are called to mother. Yes, the definition of a mother is LOVE, so women, mothers, receive some love this Mother’s day. You not only deserve it, but it’s in receiving love that we become full of love, allowing us to love even more.
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