14 Feb The How’s of Love: 7 Skills for Loving Relationships
Valentine’s Day is, for me, a reminder of love. I’m not big on the fanfare or gifts or even having to go out and celebrate Valentine’s Day, but I am big on the meaning behind it all–a day to celebrate love in all its forms, and a reminder to really love those we love, all year long.
I’ve been writing about love every February since I started my blog in 2012, so today I decided to search through all I’ve written on love and see what I actually had to say. And you know what? I’ve learned and shared some pretty important things on love, and more specifically on the “how’s” of love.
I’m a “how” girl, meaning as much as I love understanding what to do and especially why I’m doing it, I’ve always been drawn to the question, “But how?” Clients ask me this, my children ask me this, and I ask myself this often. The “how’s” of life can be some of the toughest to comprehend, and the how’s of love are no different.
I want to share with you 7 “how’s” of love, and specifically, how we can improve our loving relationships. If there’s anything Valentine’s Day is good for, it’s to remind us, and hopefully teach us a little something about, how to love.
7 Skills for Loving Relationships
1) Love your loved ones.
It sounds basic, and obvious, and it is, but how often do we fail to actually love those we love? I learned this years ago as I heard another psychologist share a story about a mother and son. They were not seeing eye to eye, and the more they talked, the more they just became frustrated with one another. The psychologist stopped the mother at one point and poignantly said, “Stop trying to love your son, and just love your son.” She sat, stunned, for a moment, and then burst into tears and embraced her son. That is loving someone we love. There are countless other ways to express and show love. I’ve compiled 50 of my favorites for you in one of my favorite posts of all time, “50 Ways to Love Your Loved Ones,” so click, pick one or two, and start the love fest today. Love is a verb, my friends. Get out there and love those you love.
A favorite family moment, my son getting his mission call to FIJI! Be there for the big moments, and the small, and they’ll feel the love!
2) Practice the skills of communication.
Communication is the number one problem couples are facing when they walk into my office. They may have come in for other reasons, but at the core, there’s almost always a block in communication. It’s tough to comprehend another person in a personal, intimate way, a person with completely different personality traits, background, strengths, and weaknesses. Yet communication is a skill. That means it’s something we must learn and practice and develop; it’s not something we’re just naturally born with. Whether you’re trying to improve your relationship with your significant other, with your child, with a friend, co-worker, or anyone, learning the skills of communication is essential. Visit my post, “Improve Communication = Improve Relationships, Improve Yourself” to get started.
The most adorable card my then-8-year-old daughter gave me out of the blue one day. She knew how to love, and express that love, even then.
3) Learn and use The 5 Love Languages.
If there’s one thing I teach clients all the time about relationships, it’s the importance of comprehending and utilizing The 5 Love Languages. Developed by Dr. Gary Chapman, this is an ingenious way to better understand how we give and receive love, and how our partners, children, friends, and family might give and receive love in different ways. It’s like trying to express your innermost feelings about someone, in English, when the other person only speaks Japanese. Unless one, or even better, both of you learn the other’s language, the love is going to get lost in translation. What are the 5 Love Languages, and how can you start using them today? Read “Improve Relationships and Feel the Love with The 5 Love Languages,” and begin to really feel the love.
4) Build intimacy and romance.
Intimacy isn’t just for romantic relationships. It means much more than most of us believe. Intimacy can include physical and sexual connection, but it actually has more to do with getting to know someone on a deep and personal level, understanding that person’s experience, emotions, and world view, and seeking to meet that person at their own level in order to build a relationship of trust, honesty, integrity, closeness, and yes, love. With children and adults alike, we can build intimacy by spending time, asking about their lives, and being interested in what they have to say. We can show up when they need us, be there when things are rough, and help them understand we’ll always be there. The point of intimacy is to actively build it up. We must actively seek to get to know, spend time with, and understand others if we want to grow closer in love. Notice and pay attention to someone you love today, and actively seek to be interested in whatever is interesting to them. And for more ways to build intimacy, check out “Couples & Romantic Love: 9 Ways to Build Intimacy in Relationships.”
Watch Motherhood Radio/TV with my fave guest, my husband OJ! This episode on “How to Like Each Other Better” will have you laughing, nodding, and hopefully learning some valuable tools on how to strengthen relationships!
5) Learn conflict resolution skills to resolve conflict positively.
Research shows its not the fact that couples, or families, experience conflict that’s the problem; the real problem comes when they don’t know how to resolve conflict positively. Like communication, however, conflict resolution is a skill we must purposefully seek to learn, practice, and employ when we need it. Instead of yelling, frustration, and heartache, couples and families can learn to calmly address important issues, respect one another it the process, and withhold hurtful comments or actions by learning how to deal with conflict in positive ways. What are some of the best ways to learn conflict resolution skills? Find out here, in one of my favorite posts, with one of my favorite people (my husband), “Making Marriage Work by Resolving Conflict: 20 Tips on our 20th Anniversary,” and for families, check out, “My Kids Are Driving Me Crazy! 10 Ideas To Drive Us Back to Sane.”
6) Let love in.
So often the problem isn’t that we don’t have love coming our way; it’s that we block or refuse or ignore that love. I’ve been guilty of this, usually in times when I’m trying to protect myself, and I can tell you it’s miserable. We eventually realize we could have had love, but we gave it up, and for what? Nothing but self-preservation, fear, and doubt. As important as it is to actively love others, it’s equally important to let their love in, too. Don’t make it hard for others to love you. Choose to soften, open your heart, take a chance, and let yourself bathe in the love that is there from your spouse/partner, from your children, family, friends, acquaintances, and even the person smiling at you on the street. Let. Love. In. Here are “10 Ways to Let Love In” today.
7) Don’t forget to love yourself.
If there’s anyone who needs your love most, it’s you. Without self-love, we don’t have the confidence, patience, motivation, and ultimately self-worth we need to improve all our relationships. We absoultely MUST learn how to practice self-compassion, self-acceptance, and self-love. If this is your challenge, I invite you to use the following resources to get started. Learning to love yourself will make all the difference, not only for you, but for your ability to love those you love, too. Check out Practicing Self-Compassion: How to Give Yourself A Break, & The Pyramid of Self-Worth: Step 3, Practice Self-Love (plus video).
Watch Motherhood Radio/TV “Self-Compassion: Give yourself & your kids a break!
What I Know for Sure About Love…
There is so much we can do to increase the love in our lives, and to share our love with others. Let today be a reminder that we can always improve in love, and let it be motivation to begin our self-improvement. If there’s one thing I know for sure about love, it’s that we all need it. It is a core human need, essential to life. Without love, we would simply die. But with love? Ah! We are alive and happy and whole! Love is grander, and simpler, and lovelier than we realize, if we but seek it, learn from it, and freely pass it on.
Learn more about love in “5 Things I Know for Sure About Love,” and “The Power of Pure Love: You are Known, You are Needed, You are Loved.“
