30 Apr The Greatest Battles of Motherhood are Won Within – #MotherOfTheYear
“The greatest battles of motherhood are not won in the legislature, or courtrooms, or even in the home. The greatest battles of motherhood are won within.”
That’s what I was supposed to say—the “line” that would bring the whole speech together, but as I spoke about my dear friend, Jody and recalled that this week will be four years since her tragic death, and of my sister, imagining she might have been there with me to celebrate how far I, we, had come with our children, emotion overwhelmed me, stealing the 10 seconds it would’ve taken to complete my short “Mother of the Year” speech on time with “the line”.
Watch my “Mother of the Year” speech, below, on the theme, “We see. We care. We serve.”
It doesn’t matter that my speech didn’t turn out the way I’d planned. Even if my point wasn’t fully said, it was fully felt; I was open and real, and that’s what matters most to me. I believe in being “real.” If you’ve read any of this blog or my books, or follow me on social media, hopefully you know that’s true. I have failed in so many ways over the years—not only in my role as “Mom,” but as a wife, daughter, sister, friend, community member, psychologist, writer, speaker, and yes, human being–and I’m willing to share my failures, especially when they can help others learn, grow, and know they are not alone.
As moms, that’s what we do best, besides loving—learn and grow. “Motherhood is the most fertile soil for personal growth,” I constantly say. We must learn and grow in the ever-evolving world of raising children, even if it often feels like we have no choice in the matter. We are pushed and challenged and faced with all kinds of stretching opportunities, and as moms, I believe we more often than not choose to take those opportunities and, painful as it may feel, stretch a little more. That’s what makes mothers great.
Motherhood is hard, but on the whole, oh how beautiful! A favorite moment recently, my son getting his mission call to FIJI!
Our Greatest Battles…
What we’re not so great at, however, is recognizing and acknowledging our learning and growth, our beauty and greatness, our strengths and exceptionality. In all my years working as a clinical psychologist with mostly women, I can definitively say that as mothers, we’re the worst at acknowledging the good in ourselves.
Why is it such a struggle? None of this is about perfection or doing it exactly right; motherhood, by definition, means imperfection and perpetually getting it wrong. Then, why is it so challenging for us to be real and open and share our struggles, but even more so, to be real and open and share our successes? Why is it so tough to say, “I’m good at this,” to accept the honors we’re given, to let ourselves shine when we’re feeling shiny?
Watch my “Mother of the Year” announcement video, as I share an excerpt from my memoir, This is How We Grow, about how I wasn’t “Mother of the Year” material and the importance of believing in and loving ourselves as moms.
#MotherOfTheYear
That was my favorite part of the American Mothers, Inc. (AMI) convention where I delivered my speech, in Washington, D.C., just one week ago–watching so many mothers shine! American Mothers has been honoring mothers since 1935, as the official sponsors of Mother’s Day, and the Mother of the Year and Mother of Achievement awards. They are a remarkable organization who make it their business to find and recognize exceptional mothers across the nation. And boy did they honor us! With gifts and praise and love and kindness, and most importantly, with the opportunity to meet other moms who uplift and inspire and empower. That’s what filled the Mayflower Hotel ballroom the day of our Mother of the Year speeches–love, respect, praise, and overflowing goodness. As we shared our stories, strength, and wisdom, all who listened were uplifted, encouraged and empowered.
Being there and seeing how we were honoring one another made me first think, “All mothers should be honored like this!” And then, I reflected on our modern-day use of the term, “Mother of the Year”–the hashtag, “#motheroftheyear,” we use to mock our mom fails. “How sad,” I thought, as I listened to these real and lovely honorees. “How sad that we took something so valuable and important like honoring mothers and reduced it to a hashtag for our failures and self-doubt.” Yet that’s what we do, isn’t it? We reduce ourselves as women and mothers—we minimize, diminish, and make ourselves small, because we believe that’s what “good mothers” are supposed to do.
Even at the AMI convention, filled with mothers who were there to receive an award for doing the best things in their homes and communities, mothers who are survivors and thrivers (as are SO many mothers!), even there, where we had come to be celebrated, I saw and felt the mom-insecurity everywhere. The “mom guilt,” over leaving kids and families to come and be celebrated, the “I haven’t done anything that matters” and “I feel so inadequate among all you incredible women”. Even there, where we all should’ve ALL felt like the angels and queens and lionesses all mothers are (and we DID feel this, to be sure!), even as we received a medal and walked the red carpet, many questioned their worth, asking, “Why me?”
My question: “Why not?”
Humility
We’re wrong to reduce ourselves. It’s not “humility,” like we so often think.
I’ve heard the word, “humble” several times lately from moms, as in, “We moms are just too humble to accept a compliment or acknowledge ourselves.” Yes, I believe that’s true to a great extent. However, that’s not what humility really means. It’s taken many years for me to understand this, starting probably thirteen years ago when I was speaking to a group of women and had written a song to share as part of my presentation. After I sang, I felt embarrassed. I felt like I was being perceived as “trying too hard,” or “thinking I am ‘all that,’” but really, I was judging myself. “I want to be humble,” I would tell myself, but I didn’t think a humble person would pull out a guitar and burst into song without an official invitation. And so, for several months and even years, I stopped singing unless I was asked—or rather, begged. I would stress over the decision to sing or not at every single speaking engagement, and finally decided the “humble” thing to do was not to sing at all.
Thankfully, I eventually wised up. One day the thought came to me, “Yeah, it might seem humble, but is it really?” I pondered that for quite some time until I decided the answer was a definite “no.” No, it wasn’t humble to hide my talents. In fact, it was prideful (and fearful). No, it wasn’t humble to make assumptions on how others felt about me sharing what I had to offer. That was prideful, too. How many people over the years had missed something that could have inspired or empowered them through a song, simply because I was so insecure I had to “hide my candle under a bush”?
Watch or listen to Motherhood Radio/TV–“Don’t Shrink–Shine! Humility, Self-Confidence & Self-Worth (#MotherOfTheYear)”
Self-Worth = Humility
What I learned was this: Humility and self-worth are the same thing. You heard that right: Humility and self-worth are the same.
When we understand who we truly are, whose we truly are, and what we are truly sent here to do, we must share it! We must step up and lead and shine! But do we? As women, as mothers, do we? Too often the answer is, “No!”
I’m not the only one who has shrunk because of insecurities, but when we shrink in insecurity we make others feel they must shrink, too. However, when we shine in self-worth—oh, when we shine! When we shine, we empower others to do the same! We not only light their way; we add our light to theirs and together, synergistically, we can set the world ablaze!
Humility is self-worth, and true self-worth is humility. Only once we comprehend this can we get out of the false ideas of what it means to “be humble”—that humility means shrinking and hiding and staying quiet and sitting back to make sure we don’t take up any time or space or “spotlight.”
In reality, only once we feel and embrace our true, divinely inherited worth can we act from that place of self-worth—in true humility. It’s a process, and one that for most of us, continues for a lifetime, but it is the most important process we can begin because all the hate and bullying and fear and depression and, well, negativity, of this world, is fueled by the same underlying thing: insecurity.
Just weeks after our family went from three to six kids, I posed us for a Christmas card pic. Can you see the fear in my eyes as I pulled myself together to be the mom everyone needed me to be?
Winning the Battle of Self-Worth
It’s not easy. I’ve been working on this for years, and I struggle all the time to remember and act from true worth—to acknowledge the compliment and accept the praise and share the talents—but I’m far better than I used to be. I’ve learned that when we can feel and believe in our worth (our true worth and not the world’s false version of “self-esteem,” which is a myth) when we act from that place, then we act in pure confidence, and that is humility.
Confidence in one’s abilities and gifts and strengths, and a willingness to employ them for the greater good is acting in true humility. We know who we are and act in that knowledge, and because we know, we don’t have to pretend or shout to let everyone else know. “Babbling brooks run shallow,” they say. How true it is.
I am honored to be given this Mother of the Year award, and I will serve not only my state, but all mothers, by speaking up on the greatest battle of all: the battle for self-worth. My passion is showing mothers their true worth, empowering them to believe in and act from self-worth, and then standing back and watching in awe as they do their thing, and change the world.
Will you join me in speaking up, too? Together, we moms can change ourselves, and in changing ourselves, we change our children and subsequently, the world! A mother’s influence is the greatest known on earth; but a mother who influences from true self-worth? There are no words for the powerful difference she can make.
Join me!
We NEED confident, empowered mothers who know who they are and are willing to stand up, speak up and be the light! I’m willing! Are you? If so, I invite you to join my “Mastery Of Motherhood” community and be part of my new book project.
First, take the M.O.M. survey: www.MasteryOfMotherhood.com.
Second, personally invite 5-10 other moms to take the survey.
Third, subscribe to my newsletter (below or above, right) for updates on the M.O.M. community I’m building and to see how you can not only learn and grow through motherhood with me, but become a support to other mothers, lead as a M.O.M. mentor, and so much more!