Frustration & Expectations

21 Mar Frustration & Expectations

4 Simple Steps for Lowering Expectations & Obliterating Frustration

“All frustration comes from expectations.” I learned this listening to a talk by Dr. John Lund years ago and it changed my world. Think about it. Whenever I’m feeling frustrated it’s because there was an expectation somewhere in my mind that was never met. If I have no expectations of a person or situation, I can’t be disappointed.

Birthdays are a great example; if they weren’t, we wouldn’t be singing, “It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to.” We build up in our mind the way things “should be” until we can actually see the decorations, taste the perfect birthday cake, and hear the praise our guests will shower upon us. The same goes for relationships. We continually set up expectations for how the people we love should behave: what they should say, do, and not do. And we’re continually disappointed because they don’t live up to our ideals. But how can they live up to our ideals when we’ve never communicated to them what we expect?

This is the trouble with expectations: we don’t have a clear view of what we expect and even when we do, we rarely communicate it. Then we blame others for our frustration, crying, “You should have known!” But under the banner of “All frustration comes from expectations,” we find that we must surrender, for the blame lies only with ourselves.

So what are we to do? Allow me to suggest “4 Simple Steps for Lowering Expectations and Obliterating Frustration”:

1) Identify your expectations. Ask, “What do I expect from this person or situation?” Then listen honestly.

2) Identify the reality of the current situation. “What is really happening here?” is a good question to ask. Then listen honestly.

3) Compare the expectation with reality. Ask yourself, “Is my expectation realistic in this situation?” Sometimes the answer is “yes” but most often you’ll find the answer is “No.” Accept either answer.

4) Either alter your expectation to match reality or alter reality to match your expectation. (One little hint: It’s usually much easier to alter expectations than reality).

Simple, right? Identifying expectations gives us the opportunity to challenge, alter, and communicate them to others. I can tell my friends what I expect for my birthday and they can choose to make that expectation come true or not. I can tell my husband I expect flowers on our anniversary and then he has a choice. Of course we all know the consequences if he makes the wrong choice, but at least I know I am doing the right thing. I am taking responsibility for my own frustrations, and in doing so, I am much more likely to find that my realistic, communicated expectations are, more often than not, happily met.

What are your thoughts on  overcoming frustration? Leave a comment and share with us!

[author] [author_image timthumb=’on’]http://www.drchristinahibbert.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/ChristinaHibbert_150.jpg[/author_image] [author_info]Clinical Psychologist, Mom of 6, Postpartum Couples DVD Producer, Non-Profit Founder, and expert on Parenting, Women’s Emotions, Pregnancy & Postpartum, and Grief & Loss, Dr. Christina Hibbert loves songwriting, learning, and teaching what she learns. Learn and Grow with Dr. Hibbert and her community of really great people![/author_info] [/author]

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