Fostering Dad's Relationship with Kids: Moms, You're the Gatekeepers!

25 Jun Fostering Dad’s Relationship with Kids: Moms, You’re the Gatekeepers!

Posted at 16:49h in Motherhood by Dr. Christina Hibbert 0 Comments

Fostering Dad's Relationship with Kids-Moms, you're the Gatekeepers! www.DrChristinaHibbert.com #fatherhood #motherhood #family #kids #couples I was particularly inspired by the topic of this week’s Motherhood radio show, with guest Dr. Daniel Singley, founder of The Center for Men’s Excellence. I knew I wanted to do a show on fathers’ relationships with their children. A few years ago, I wrote a post, called In Praise of Fathers, that shared some of the fascinating and important research about the positive impact dads have on kids. Using this post, Dr. Singley and I jumped right in to an enlightening discussion on how moms can help foster dads’ relationships with their children–whether we’re in a relationship with our child’s father or not.

There are numerous takeaways from this show, plus Dr. Singley is just a fun and entertaining guest, so I encourage you to download and listen to this episode of Motherhood (WebTalkRadio.net), whenever you can (while driving, doing chores, watching the kids play at the park, whenever!). And/or, visit my YouTube channel or click below to watch the show.

[stream provider=youtube flv=http%3A//www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3D1YTzjota3ww img=x:/img.youtube.com/vi/1YTzjota3ww/0.jpg embed=false share=false width=640 height=360 dock=true controlbar=over bandwidth=high autostart=false responsive=16:9 /]

3 Ways to Foster Fathers’ Relationships with their Children (and with you!)

In the meantime, I’d like to share three main takeaways I got from the show– “aha moments” I took away from my discussion with Dr. Singley. Important facts about fathers, their role in our children’s lives, and what we mothers can do to help.

1) Moms are often the gatekeepers to dad’s interactions with his child, and moms can make a huge impact on fostering dad’s relationship with his children, from infancy throughout the lifespan.

The research shows that mothers are the “gatekeepers” to a father’s interactions and relationship with his child(ren) (read “In Praise of Fathers”). What I mean by that is that moms can either prevent, allow, or even encourage a father’s relationship with the child by giving him access to taking care of the child and even letting him do it “his way.” This is important, because the research is also clear that dads impact kids for the better in a host of ways. But if we block dad’s access to our children–for instance, because we don’t like how he dresses them or we want to be the ones to take care of them all the time–we are doing our children, and their fathers, a huge disservice.

And a father’s relationship with his child can start in pregnancy and definitely postpartum. Dr. Singley focuses on helping dads strengthen relationships with their children from infancy and beyond. Many dads are excited about their baby growing older so they can “do” something with them, but what Dr. Singley does is help fathers understand they need to start “doing” things with their child from infancy. This might mean putting baby in a frontpack and taking him on a walk while mom takes a rest, or it might mean placing baby, tummy-to-tummy, on your chest while you’re on your phone checking email and telling your infant all about your day. These things not only strengthen a father’s relationship with the child, but it also strengthens his confidence in being a father. When mom lets dad “do his thing” with baby, everyone wins. And mom, you win, too, by getting some precious alone time!

2) Fathers need encouragement, support, and yes, even praise, from moms, friends, and society.

“You can’t really talk about fatherhood without talking about masculinity,” Danny (Dr. Singley) said Fostering Dads' Relationships with Kids: Moms, You're the Gatekeepers! #fatherhood #motherhood #relationships #kids www.DrChristinaHibbert.com in the show. He explains how fatherhood is so tightly wrapped up in a father’s sense of masculinity, and how society and the media too often portray the “deadbeat dad” image, promoting the idea that being a good father is not “manly.” Dads need support and examples to look to when it comes to being a good father, and often, what Danny calls “the man box” prevents them from finding what they need.

“To be an engaged, involved dad, and to be an engaged, involved partner to mom, involves breaking out of that ‘man box’,” Danny says. Fathers need to be able to feel confident in their role and responsibilities as a dad so they can say to their buddies, “Sorry, but I can’t go play ball tonight. I’m hanging out with my kids,” and feel good about it.

As mothers, we can not only support fathers in their fathering role; we can, and must, encourage and praise their efforts. Look for the good they do. See it. Tell them what we see. Encourage them to seek out and find friends who are “family-friendly,” and do the same, too, moms. We all NEED support when it comes to parenting. We need others around us who “get it,” and who encourage us to be the best parents, and partners, we can be.

3) Speaking of partners, the relationship between mom and dad is one of the most important aspects of fatherhood–and motherhood–whether you’re together, or not.

Fatherhood is about “dad’s involvement with baby AND with mom,” Dr. Singley reminds us. Both "Focus on Making Memories," from 12 Ways to Become More Cheerful; www.DrChristinaHibbert.com parents need to have time with baby, to be able to interact with baby in their own way, and to remember that their relationship as partners, or as co-parents, is just as important as their individual relationships with the child. Though it’s true that relationship satisfaction tends to go down after a baby is born according to the research, it’s also true that, if we work on it, it doesn’t have to be that way.

Moms and dads, prioritize your marriage, your partnership, and your relationship. Don’t let it slip by in the busyness of parenting. Don’t let it fall apart because of personal frustrations you haven’t taken the time to properly work out. Work on being a strong partner for one another, on encouraging one another to get social support and have time for yourselves, and to encourage one another in your roles as parents. A healthy relationship is one of the best things we can give our children.

Dr. Singley gives some excellent tips on how to keep your relationship strong amidst the chaos that can be modern family life. First, he suggests that dad takes charge and calls two “meetings” a week. The first is a “Logistics” meeting, in which couples can discuss the logistics of the week to come, kids’ needs, and how they’re going to make it all happen this week. This might only take 10 minutes, but it’s a way for parents to connect and be on the same page about their kids.

Then, Danny encourages fathers to call a “State of the Union” meeting. This is a short meeting each week in which mom and dad discuss their relationship. It’s about checking in with one another, and about each person asking how the other is doing and what they need and what “I can do for you this week.” Dr. Singley reminds us this is revolutionary, because dad is the one in charge of asking to talk about the relationship! He also says this will save you a lot of money down the road in couple’s therapy bills, so keep that in mind!

Now, go listen to the show!

There are so many more excellent ideas and tips in this episode of Motherhood, and I sincerely hope you will give yourself a break and listen to the show. It’s a place of community, support, learning, and growing together as moms, and yes, as dads, too!

And then, join my brand new Motherhood: Overcoming, Becoming, & Flourishing! Facebook group! A wonderful place to connect with other mothers and parents, to learn, share, support one another, and grow together.

~Learn more about Dr. Daniel Singley and The Center for Men’s Excellence, here.

Moms, do you feel like the gatekeepers? Do you ever struggle with letting dad “do his thing?” Dads, what impact does society and “masculinity” have on your role and relationships as a father? Moms and dads, what do you do to keep your relationship healthy and strong for your children, and for you? Please leave a comment (or two) below! I’d love to know your thoughts!